Do you know how to make your husband feel loved? Does he know how to make you feel loved? It’s not always the same answer. And sometimes, you are not even aware of what you want or need yourself. That’s what the 5 love languages are about. Learning yours and your husband’s love language is crucial for a lasting and loving marriage.
How To Use The 5 Love Languages To Improve Your Marriage
A quick background on what the 5 love languages are and where you can learn more about them than what I am going to cover.
There is an awesome book that is a relatively quick read but is very strong in its message. I highly suggest picking it up or seeing if it is at your local library. I like to have my own copy because there is a test in the back that you and your spouse can both take to draw out your main love languages. But you can always use another piece of paper to track your answers.
The book is The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts . So if you are interested, definitely grab one.
Now I’m going to dive right in and do an overview of each love language for you and go over some easy tips to use this new knowledge to improve and strengthen your marriage. Make sure you visit the Resource Library to grab you FREE worksheet to discover your (and your husband’s!) love language.
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
If this is your main love language you will feel the most loved when:
- You are given verbal compliments
- Appreciation is expressed for your actions
- You are given encouragement
Let me give some examples of these things.
- You look beautiful tonight.
- Thank you for doing the dishes tonight.
- I know you’ll do great in your presentation at work today.
These types of statements are very important to someone whose love language is words of affirmation. If this is you, you are looking for encouragement and support in your endevours. You will also feel very unloved and maybe even offended if something you have done is not recognized. Such as house work, or anything that you see as benefiting someone else.
A point that I do want to mention about this love language is that you want to be careful with how you speak when asking for things to be done. What do I mean by that? Request, don’t demand.
Saying – “Take the trash out.”
Or – “Would you please take the trash out?”
Can get very different responses. Remember to speak to your spouse like they are an equal rather than as if you are an authority figure. You don’t want to sound like a parent to your spouse.
Love Language #2: Quality Time
If this is your main love language, you will feel most loved when:
- you have quality conversation with your spouse
- you do a quality activity with your spouse
- spending time with you is a priority for your spouse
Let me give some definitions of these things.
- For a conversation to be ‘quality’, that means no distractions. No kids, phones, or TV. And truly listening to what each of you are saying.
- Something that one of you wants to do, one of you is willing to do, and that you both understand that the main reason you are doing it is to be together.
- Showing that you make room for your spouse by passing on girl’s night out or not watching the game today so that you can spend time together instead.
If this is you, you may often feel like you don’t get to see your spouse much. Like even when you are together all day, you didn’t really get to talk to them about everything you wanted to. Or that maybe your spouse doesn’t care about you because they would rather watch the football game. Or talk to her best friend on the phone.
Carving out time for one another is very important when this is your main love language. But you need to make sure that you are using that time properly by learning to listen.
Quick tips for listening
- Make eye contact
- Listen for feelings and confirm them (“I hear that you are overwhelmed by the amount of chores to do…)
- Don’t interrupt each other
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts
If this is your main love language, you will feel most loved when your spouse gives you a visual representation of their love.
This one can seem very straightforward in comparison to some of the other love languages. But it can be just as powerful and just as easy to overlook.
There are many ways to show your love to someone with this love language, and it doesn’t have to be expensive.
Sure, you can buy flowers, or jewelry, or tickets to an event. But you can also make a home cooked meal for your wife who usually does all the cooking. You can dig up a letter you wrote your wife when you were dating and have it framed. Maybe your husband’s dad has the ticket stubs from a baseball game that was one of his favorite childhood memories. Put them in a shadow box with some other little items for him.
You can be as creative as you want to and spend as much or as little money as you need to and still speak this love language. It is all about the little things to show that you are thinking of your spouse throughout the day.
Love Language #4: Acts of Service
If this is your main love language you will feel most loved when:
- your spouse does things for you
- your spouse helps you readily
Let me give some examples.
- The trash is so full you can barely get anything else in it. But you are cooking dinner and wrangling the kids and can’t walk away to take it out. When your husband walks in from work he sets his stuff down and goes to change his clothes. A few minutes later he is sitting at the dining room table eating a snack with the kids. You reach for the trash to throw something in it and realize that it is no longer overflowing, but has a fresh bag. Your husband took it outside.
- You are trying to finish up washing the dishes so the kitchen is clean for later but you know your son is ready for his milk before bed. So, you hurry to finish what you are doing to get it to him on time, only to realize you forgot to clean the pans from dinner. You ask your husband to get your son his milk and he goes to get his milk and also changed him into his pajamas for bed.
In both these scenarios your spouse is ready and willing to help. Which is very important to someone with this love language. Because if you do everything and the other person never helps or tries to make it easier, you will feel unappreciated and unloved.
A really big part of this love language is that you should not have to be told to do something. You should just realize the need and do it because you want to. In order to know what is most helpful, have a conversation with your spouse about what acts would actually show them that you love them. Because maybe taking out the trash doesn’t do it. But washing the dishes after dinner will.
Love Language #5: Physical Touch
If this is your main love language, you will feel most loved when:
- your spouse holds your hand when you are walking
- you get a goodbye kiss every morning
This is another more straightforward love language. You want physical contact. That does not have to mean sex. It can mean something as small as a hand on a shoulder as you walk past. Or sitting close together on a couch.
Holding hands when you are out is a sign of your love to this person. It is telling not only your spouse, but everyone else that you care for them. And giving a kiss goodbye every morning before work happens because they are going to be without you all day long. And it helps to be a positive most recent memory of your love.
The physical contact does not have to be long or major for this. It can be only a few seconds and still mean you love the person. It is all about closeness and connection, not about major public displays of affection.
How To Apply It
There are only a few simple steps to using the 5 love languages to improve your marriage.
- Discover your love language
- Discover your spouse’s love language
- Talk about what you both are needing to feel loved in your marriage
- Make those requests into a reality by following through
You love your spouse. But sometimes the way you are showing it is just not translating to them as love. So by talking about what each of you need from the other, you will make it so that your love is not lost in translation.
Communication is the most important part of a marriage. Without it you will never be successful. So start by talking to each other, and see where it takes you. Don’t forget to stop by the Resource Library for your FREE worksheet!
What are some ways you show your love to your spouse? And what is you love language? And your spouses?